We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Your penis caused this!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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