I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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