Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize