some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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