I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
