all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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