You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
