And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I understand Curling. That high.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
