just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
