Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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