seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
