I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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