Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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