I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
