It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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