my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
