it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
