And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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