omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
