I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize