if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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