Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You made out with two different species that night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How does it feel to date your dad?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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