Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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