Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
