3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
