dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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