i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
