please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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