There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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