cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
