Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
