A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
