I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
