I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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