I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
