She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize