Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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