1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
