dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
