Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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