I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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