I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
