At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
