So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
