Cold hands, warm shart.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
