separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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