So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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