worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
