Betty ford says i'm here all night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
