So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
