just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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