he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We have started to decorate penises.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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