Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
