its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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