glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
