When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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