Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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