Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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