I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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